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Take Back the Night

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 12:26:22 GMT

Last night Dartmouth hosted an annual rally called Take Back the Night. The idea is that women for so long have been told not to go out alone at night (along with so many other "helpful tips) in order to avoid being raped. The rally and march demands that the world must be safe for women, not that women must become accustomed to being unsafe in the world. WISE was asked to speak as part of the opening remarks. It was an honor to be among students and survivors who were so moving and inspiring - not just in words but in the lives that they've lived to improve our community. Below are Kate's remarks.

My name is Kate, I’m the Program Manager at WISE which is the organization tasked with ending domestic and sexual violence in the UV. I’ve worked on the prevention of violence against women for the entirety of my adult life, almost by accident. Which means that I believe fundamentally in two things:

1. That domestic and sexual violence are preventable – that they don’t just happen but are enacted by one person onto another.
2. That I can do something about it.

The first is something that really challenges us. If DV/SV is something that people are choosing to do, then the people who are accused that we care about in our community are people who are choosing to perpetrate. That is sad and scary and hurtful. Sometimes disbelief is more comfortable. But it’s also paramount to my believing that I haven’t wasted my youth. DV/SV is preventable. It isn’t about testosterone, it isn’t about caveman brains – it isn’t men – it is all of us who are complicit in separating us and them. All of us who buy into some people being more valuable than others. Who expect men to be men and the definition of manhood that includes power, control and violence. DV/SV is preventable when men are recognized as human beings – not the titans of power, but people with emotions that are mentionable and manageable, with empathy, and personal accountability. DV/SV is preventable when women are recognized as human beings – not the sum of their naked and hairless body parts, but people in full autonomy of their physical and relational selves.

The second is something that people are curious about. Most people assume I’m a victim. Why else would I be so devoted to such a sad topic. My plan was to be a DJ on the radio – spend my working life at concerts and never again suffer through someone else’s crappy music. Instead every piece of my collegiate career kept nagging that something isn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that my mom worried when I walk home from work at night (trying to keep those student loans down). It wasn’t fair that when I was drugged (despite my drink being fully in my hand at all time, despite my multiple buddies) my dad chalked it up to my confusing drunk with drugged. It isn’t fair that I have to make those disclaimers. It isn’t fair that politicians are making laws about my life and body – specifically my vagina - without including anyone who has a vagina, or allowing the word vagina to be mentioned. It isn’t fair that 60% of women and families who are homeless are a result of DV, or that a byproduct of being a woman going to college is the expectation that eventually you’ll probably be raped. It isn’t fair that we would rather talk about anything – alcohol, hazing, bullying, cancer, hunger – other than the violence that is so intimately connected to every person’s life. It isn’t fair that so many people I care about are being violated but didn’t feel like they could tell anyone because they were afraid or ashamed. It isn’t fair that my male friends don’t feel like they can ask their partners what they want or like or need because vulnerability is a fate worse than death.

I do this work because people are suffering and if I can help, I have to. For me it boils down to injustice. You recognize that it is not fair that we have to march days after campus is shut down because highlighting this injustice still puts people at risk of physical harm. You believe that we can do better. And you are. You’re doing better. So thank you, and thanks for being here.

Petal to the metal!

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 22:00:24 GMT

So often we are reminded of what an amazing community we’re a part of. Hearing the many complicated stories of domestic/dating/sexual violence and stalking may seem like a completely depressing day job, but instead we get to see all of the beautiful, creative ways that individuals and families overcome and thrive. We get to work in a community with organizations that recognize the truth that each of us – whatever our strengths or interests – has a part to play to end violence, share hope, change lives. Organizations that provide material assistance to survivors, train their employees about prevention and empathetic responses to survivors, display materials…all of us can use our talents to support survivors.

RVC is stepping up in March by hosting a Spinathon to benefit WISE! You can sweat your way to a more peaceful Upper Valley, and here’s how:

Register your team by 3/20
Gather supporters to pledge to your race with this sign up
Maybe take a few practice spins on the stationary bike
Then on 3/23 we ride!

More information here on the brochure (including proper pacing, nutrition, and hydration!)

dating

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 17:07:30 GMT

Between the over covered story of Notre Dame Football Player, Manti Te’o, various blog posts and opinions examining our current dating practices and the new MTV show Catfish that explores the intricacies of online relationships, it seems like everyone is talking about digital relationships! It adds so many possibilities to how we think about, define and engage in relationships, both intimate and not.

One of the most (personally) frustrating reactions to the Te’o story was people’s inability to imagine being in an exclusively online relationship. As if intimacy, companionship and love only exist within physical relationships. Isn’t it possible for us to feel incredibly close and deeply connected to someone whom we’ve never been physically intimate with or whom we’ve never met in person? On a recent episode of Catfish, Matt and Kim’s relationship demonstrates exactly that. The two had been communicating with each other via (solely) technology for ten years. They spoke to each other either through text messaging, Facebook, emails or phone conversations almost every day. Kim explained that Matt was the person that provided her with the greatest comfort and support during the most difficult times in her life. They make each other laugh and have developed a strong and caring partnership which they both depend on. Now that she has a boyfriend whom she is living with and considering marrying, Kim is feeling conflicted about these two relationships. Can she love them both? Can she participate in a respectful, loving marriage with her boyfriend and continue the relationship she’s had with Matt for the past 10 years, or does she have to choose between the two?

I think we can, and should have many meaningful relationships with many people who collectively fulfill our complex and diverse needs of affection, solidarity and friendship. Culturally we have a pretty singular view of what the parameters of romantic and intimate relationships are supposed to look like, but as with all other assumed cultural expectations, one size does not fit all. We can’t just assume that everybody is going to find one (THE ONE) person capable of providing everything that they could ever want and need out of a confidante. It feels like an unfair expectation for everyone. Instead let’s expand on our ideas of intimate relationships and modify our relationship boundaries to meet OUR and our partner’s needs.

How do you define a partner? Is it someone that you talk to everyday? Live with? Have a sexual or physical relationship with? Can you have only one? It’s up to YOU to define what you want in a partner, or partners, to communicate those needs to the prospective partners that come in and out of your life, and respect those that are communicated to you. You and your partner(s) are able to have ongoing conversations around the expectations of your relationships and don’t have to depend on rigid social norms that may or may not be appropriate for you. We can create a life for ourselves that is full of thoughtful, respectful and healthy relationships of all sorts.

If you want to continue the conversation around healthy relationships invite WISE to your organization, school or community group for a tailored presentation!

If you or someone you know is in an unsafe relationship and would like support you can contact WISE, 24 hours a day at 1/866.348.WISE.

Facebook Stalking

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 21:27:33 GMT

‘Facebook stalking’ has become a phrase that most of us use pretty often and with some familiarity. Maybe you’ve ‘Facebook stalked’ an old boyfriend or girlfriend or that friend you haven’t seen since high school. But what does the word, stalking, really mean? Am I really stalking someone by viewing a profile that I was invited to via friend request, a profile that displays information that the person is choosing to share with their collective group of Facebook friends? The answer is no. There is a big difference between viewing a friend’s Facebook profile and actual stalking behaviors, and aligning the two as having the same meaning is harmful for actual victims of stalking. Stalking is a very real, dangerous and often life threatening experience. Conflating actual stalking with this false idea of ‘Facebook stalking’ minimizes the terrifying existence of the 6.6 million Americans who are stalked annually.

It’s not to say that Facebook and stalking have no relation to each other. As with most anything in this world, it has the potential and capability to be dangerously misused. A stalker may dishonestly use Facebook as a tool to gain access to their victim that they haven’t otherwise been admitted to. An abusive partner may use Facebook, and other various devices, to keep constant tabs on their victim. But the impact of these experiences is incredibly different than that of which we so offhandedly refer to as, ‘Facebook stalking’. This might not seem like a big deal, but improperly and reductively using the term creates a mask for those who are actually stalking someone.

The only people at fault in stalking situations are the perpetrators, but there are a few technology practices that can help reduce people’s access to us. We can be cautious of who we accept into our internet social lives, do our best to have secure Facebook privacy settings and be informative about how to keep our exposed selves protected from the possible dangerous outcomes of technology use.

We can also be more thoughtful about our choice of language when talking about how we view our Facebook friend’s profiles and take actual accounts of stalking seriously. If you or someone you know is being stalked you can reach out to WISE for support, 24 hours a day.

Rape Joke Response Round-up

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 16:34:41 GMT

A woman blogged about her experience at a Daniel Tosh show.

"Tosh starts making some very generalizing, declarative statements about rape jokes always being funny, how can a rape joke not be funny, rape is hilarious, etc...So I yelled out, 'Actually, rape jokes are never funny!' Tosh paused for a moment. Then, he says, 'Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her...'".

Jessica Valenti argues at the Nation that rape jokes can be funny, but not if they are threatening. (I disagree about Sarah Silverman's joke, but agree about Sykes and Carlin - because they are not so much rape jokes, as pointing out the absurdity of victim blaming).

Also at the Nation, Katie Halper provides a twitter review of comics' responses.

Elissa Bassist at the Daily Beast talks about power in the ways we use humor to talk about rape,

"The debate over Tosh shouldn’t be “are
rape jokes funny?” That’s misdirection: his statement was a wildly inappropriate putdown, reminder, and threat that this woman could be gang-raped, like right now."

A comedian in Austin makes maybe the most apropos metaphor so far? And clarifies why "offended" isn't what people are. *Warning for a pretty graphic metaphor and strong language.*

"Offended hasn't got anything to do with it.

People have wounds, and those wounds are painful. That doesn't have s*** to do with the weak concept of "taking offense." If someone talks about Texas being a s****y state, I might "take offense" at that. Fine, whatever. All of us who like comedy are generally in agreement with the idea that "taking offense" is lame, and a comedian should be willing to "offend" whenever he or she wants to.

But causing pain is quite a different matter. Your job as a comedian is to take us through pain, transcend pain, transform pain. And if you don't get that, you are a bully, and I've got zero time for bullies."

Melissa Harris-Perry invited comics to a round table panel

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

It's not like there are a million great guys out there...

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 18:21:09 GMT

I posted this response (*some language at the link) to an advice column on our facebook page, but wanted to highlight this response from the comments. While there was so much in the "advice" that was harmful and ignorant, this sentiment is something that comes up often, and is a classic example of how the way we talk about relationships generally can radically affect a victim's perception of her options (or lack thereof).

Most men are not abusive! And we don't want to believe that some men we know might be. Those that are think that their actions are normal an acceptable because we - in advice columns! - excuse and justify their behaviors for them. This not only perpetuates the abuse in that relationship, it sets a disrespectfully low bar for those many many men who are thoughtful and caring and treat other human beings with kindness and compassion. We need to stop allowing abuse to look like a normal behavior. We need to stop the idea that a bad relationship is better than no relationship. And we need to think about how our "advice" sets the tone for so much more than we may have intended. Dani, below, says it perfectly.

Dani Alexis 3.9.2012 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

It’s not like there are a million really great men out there; it’s not like she can just go and pick one and be off to her perfect life.

I stayed with an abuser for seven years on the basis of such pearls of wisdom as this comment. Then I left him, and I learned that actually, yes, it is like that.

As in, it is like there are LITERALLY ONE MILLION men (or more) out there who will not threaten violence, freak out when you have your own friends and interests, or have a screaming match in front of your apartment building when you say “look, I need to try something else.” It is ABSOLUTELY LIKE this woman can find someone to date who will not send up even a single one of the red flags this LW is rolling in right now. Decent human beings really are A Real Thing in the World!

(Granted, not all of those people will be this woman’s cup of tea – but I’d bet my hat that at least ONE of the literally a million or more men who will treat this woman with basic human respect will also be someone she could see herself marrying, if that’s what she wants.)

Social media for social change

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 18:36:55 GMT

There have been a number of examples I've come across recently using social media to share stories which are often silenced and illuminate some solidarity for the MANY women, children and men who have been affected by sexual violence.

While they are sad and tragic and touching, I also am finding inspiration - that people are sharing, people are listening, and people are dedicated to confronting something terrible which exists, and which we have the power to end. Let's do that. But first we have to listen and believe:

Twitter #ididnotreport, #ididntreport, #webelieveyou

And Project Unbreakable where a photography student is asking survivors to write what their perpetrator said during the assault and photographing them.

People want to share their stories but are all too often silenced - sometimes by the perpetrator, often by a society that doesn't want to hear it. Doesn't want to believe it. Doesn't want to know. We need to take as our task the responsibility to be safe people. To listen, believe, and support survivors. To make it safe for them to report, to hold perpetrators accountable, and to end violence.

Volunteers make our world go round!

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 19:05:27 GMT

Three times a year WISE holds a Volunteer Training for all those interested in becoming a Volunteer Advocate at WISE. The training educates volunteers on domestic and sexual violence, abuse and stalking. Participants become comfortable practicing effective listening skills and offering support and access to pertinent resources in the community to those contacting WISE. The interactive training sessions include in depth conversations, use of videos, guest speakers and field trips to our local police station and hospital. With the completion of the 30 hour training, advocates are prepared to effectively empower those calling our Crisis Line. Perhaps the most meaningful aspect of Volunteer Training at WISE is how it creates a space where people feel free to question and explore the challenging and discomforting realities of our world.

The group dynamic during Volunteer Training is unique in personnel, perspectives and reasons for becoming a volunteer advocate, yet there is a strong underlying sense of understanding of and respect for one another. I have witnessed how with the exposure of distressing information, group members take it upon themselves to connect, build relationships and support one another. As I see how a small diverse group can find common ground and concern for these important issues, I become hopeful that much larger groups can as well. I am grateful to have the opportunity to work with WISE’s Volunteer Advocates as they are brave members of our community, willing to recognize the injustices that exist and further participate in their eradication.

March 13^th begins another six week Volunteer Training. I so look forward to meeting the new members joining our forever growing team.

- Chelsea Williams, Training Coordinator

2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 15:39:59 GMT

The most recent national statistics are out on experiences of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. You may have seen a summary in the paper or online news, and the CDC will be releasing demographic specific data soon.

The statistics are much the same as previously thought. The survey reinforced what we unfortunately already know to be true - that there are far too many women and men and children affected by violence perpetrated by people they knew.

While we'll have more thoughts and conversations about what the survey means and how it can guide our work, I want to posit this one tiny hypothesis:

"in no state did fewer than 10% of women report being raped. Virginia had the lowest levels of victimization of women, at 11.4%; other states on the low end include Tennessee, Delaware, and Rhode Island."

Virginia and Rhode Island (at least) are nationally recognized among prevention professionals for their focus on prevention, have made prevention funding and projects a priority, and house some of the foremost expert people and programs on the subject. Perhaps we are beginning to see the statistical fruits of that labor?

Herman Cain and Penn State Round Up

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:29:06 GMT

It was too depressing to post individually to Facebook, but for those of you interested, here is a round up of what I found to be useful or well stated articles on the recent big coverage sexual abuse. While reading, I think it may be useful to reflect on how these stories provide contrast to the hundreds of stories that we hear at WISE, and are happening around the world daily. The ones that don't get covered in the news. Would it be a big story if the people assaulted and covered up by athletics were women instead of children? What does it say that Herman Cain supporters stated they would vote for him EVEN IF he was guilty of the sexual assault accusations that have come to light?

Please note that these articles further points of discussion around topics which are important to WISE, but do not necessarily reflect WISE opinion.

Here's your round up:

Herman Cain

NPR - Supporters Stand by Cain

"I just haven't believed it," says Pam Bensen of the accusations. "In fact this morning, I actually went online to donate again, just to show him that we were supporting him."

Feministe - Calling Sexual Assault What It Is

Please think, too, about what the media framing and language use around these accusations does to frame our cultural understanding of Rape and sexual assault. If we never see the word used even as we read descriptions of those things, how can we connect the two?

Penn State

The Nation - The World Joe Paterno Made

In 2003, less than one year after Paterno was told that Sandusky was raping children, he allowed a player accused of rape to suit up and play in a bowl game. Widespread criticism of this move was ignored. In 2006, Penn State's Orange Bowl opponent Florida State, sent home linebacker A.J. Nicholson, after accusations of sexual assault. Paterno’s response, in light of recent events, is jaw-dropping. He said, "There's so many people gravitating to these kids. He may not have even known what he was getting into, Nicholson

New York Times - The Molester Next Door

This molester had a job. A house. A wife. Two kids of his own. And he gained access to his victim not through brute force but through patience, play and gifts: help with his homework, computer games, a new bike. To neighborhood observers, including the victim’s parents, the molester’s attentiveness passed for kindness, at least for a while. A molester’s behavior very often does.

Feministe - Institutional Cultures

It’s not just one guy raping little boys. It’s a culture that values a game over basic bodily integrity and physical health; it’s a culture that values that game over education, even at an institution of higher learning. Of course, in the context of that culture, a child rapist is going to get a pass if he’s integral to the game. Of course people are going to cover for him, or look the other way, or make small changes so that they can feel better but don’t actually go to law enforcement, which might threaten the game.

And a side note related to the culture of football and masculinity.

HuffingtonPost - High school football coach resigns after "Hurt Feelings Survey" given to team. (Keeps his position as guidance counselor.)

WARNING: The survey contains lewd language. Discretion is advised.

Under a list of reasons for filing the "Hurt Feelings Report," the survey offers choices including "I am a pussy," "I have woman like hormones," "I am a queer" and 'I am a little bitch." It asks for the "name of 'Real Man' who hurt your sensitive little feelings," "name little sissy filing this report." and the filer's "girly-man signature."

This is my fifth year presenting to youth about healthy relationships, rape and dating violence prevention, and the culture which breeds gendered violence. I fully expect that these young people can do a better job for one another, but they're going to need much more help if these are the news stories of their environment.

Control happens on purpose.

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 16:26:07 GMT

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/08/110815101535.htm

Often when I'm working with young people around recognizing the tactics that people use in order to garner power and control over someone else the question comes up "do you really think they plan it like that?" The question is can they be responsible for the outcomes of their behavior if we can't prove a line between intent and behavior.

We spent some time acknowledging that perhaps the person wouldn't articulate a linear progression between their behaviors and total control, but often times I think we don't give people who perpetrate enough credit for the skills and thinking that go into crafting their behaviors. We're essentially selling them short by creating the excuse that they didn't carefully craft their master plan from start to finish, so perhaps it wasn't intentional.

Time after time, research tells us this isn't true. Through the countless stories that we at WISE hear from victims and survivors, and through comparing stories across demographic, cultural, and geographic lines there are just too many parallels for us to ignore. Ultimately it becomes clear that we CAN prove that line. It is undeniable in the pattern of people who perpetrate. There is a script of sorts.

New research on victims of domestic violence who recant their report to authorities demonstrates this script in 5 steps:

After analyzing the calls, the researchers identified a five-step process that went from the victims vigorously defending themselves in the phone calls to agreeing to a plan to recant their testimony against the accused abuser.

Typically, in the first and second conversations there is a heated argument between the couple, revolving around the event leading to the abuse charge. In these early conversations, the victim is strong, and resists the accused perpetrator's account of what happens.

"The victim starts out with a sense of determination and is eager to advocate for herself, but gradually that erodes as the phone calls continue," said Bonomi, who is also an affiliate with the Group Health Research Institute in Seattle.

In the second stage, the perpetrator minimizes the abuse and tries to convince the victim that what happened wasn't that serious. In one couple, where the victim suffered strangulation and a severe bite to the face, the accused perpetrator repeatedly reminded the victim that he was being charged with "felony assault," while asking whether she thought he deserved the felony charge.

"Finally, he wore her down and she agreed with him that he didn't deserve a felony charge," Bonomi said.

What happens next in this second stage, though, is the critical step in the process of recantation.

"The tipping point for most victims occurs when the perpetrator appeals to her sympathy, by describing how much he is suffering in jail, how depressed he is, and how much he misses her and their children," Bonomi said.

"The perpetrator casts himself as the victim, and quite often the real victim responds by trying to soothe and comfort the abuser."

In one case, the accused perpetrator threatened suicide and said in a phone call to his victim, "Nobody loves me though, right?"

At that point, the victim's tone changed dramatically, and she sounded concerned that he might actually try to hurt himself, Bonomi said. From then on, the victim promised to help him get out of jail.

In the third stage, after the accused abuser has gained the sympathy of the victim, the couple bonds over their love for each other and positions themselves against others who "don't understand them."

The fourth stage involves the perpetrator asking the victim to recant her accusations against him and the victim complying. Finally, in the fifth stage, the couple constructs the recantation plan and develops their stories.

It's often hard for us to reconcile the people we know in our communities with the image of someone systematically going about undermining the person they purport to love, but it is critical in understanding the dynamics of domestic and sexual violence to recognize the intention of people who perpetrate. Only when we can hold people accountable for their behavior - the full extent of their choices and actions, without excuses - can we hope to redirect it.

What do you think?

Empathic or Empathetic?

Tue, 19 Apr 2011 10:47:19 GMT

Here at WISE we were wondering about the difference/proper pronunciation of a critical term: that describing the possession of the quality of empathy.

Being of the digital age, we Googled it, and if you've ever had a similar quandary, wonder no more. Find here not only the answer, but a description referencing StarTrek. You're welcome!

If you're not sure, ask!

Wed, 29 Dec 2010 14:02:18 GMT

So, basic principle 101 on being around humans: if you're not sure how what you want to do (to someone) is going to make another person feel - you should ask before you do it. Duh. That way there are no accidents, and no way that you can inadvertently make someone feel bad against your intentions.

Where the conversation generally goes from here is to sexual harassment. One student pointed out "what, like I'm supposed to ask the person before I yell at them out my car?!" to which another promptly pointed out "then maybe you shouldn't do it." It's easy, really. Ask or err on the side of caution.

But I've had genuine conversations with people concerned about wanting to talk and interact with strangers, perhaps even compliment them, without making the stranger uncomfortable. I think this piece articulates really clearly that all it takes is respect, and a little touch of understanding.

Two super key points that it makes and I want to reinforce:

1 - "You look really nice today" is different from "hey gorgeous"...you know this.

2 - "I would take that as a compliment" is not an excuse for invalidating someone's discomfort. Men and women exist in different worlds, women where Rape is a 1/4 chance, and men where it's not - this makes experiences utterly different. Beyond that, your experience isn't someone else's which is why the principle of "if you're not sure, ask" is so important.

Check out the article:

http://www.alternet.org/reproductivejustice/149319/catcalling_is_a_problem:_how_to_talk_to_a_woman_without_being_rude,_creepy_or_scary?page=1

Good guy/Bad guy

Tue, 14 Dec 2010 11:14:58 GMT

Generally in a community every one will agree when asked that sexual and domestic violence are not good. The issues seem to come up when there is a specific example - an example in which people in the community know the players.

Then the stakes get high, and the conversations get uncomfortable. Think about every newspaper report of a crime in which the neighbors interviewed opine "but he was such a nice guy!"

There seems to be a serious desire to split up the good guys from the bad guys. If rape and abuse are bad, then bad guys must do them, so the fact that I know this guy and liked this guy, and had him painted as a good guy, he couldn't be doing this bad thing. Conclusion: she's lying.

What we seem to be missing in public court of opinion is that good people can do bad things, and bad people can do good things. That actually there aren't usually good and bad people, but complex people that do lots of things. Some good. Some bad. Some really, really bad.

So when I came across this account* of a friend and a victim's complicated relationship with an abusive boyfriend, who was also a sometimes a source of strength and comfort, it resonated.

If we can hold more complex views of the victims and perpetrators of domestic and sexual violence, we can start to do away with the victim blaming, the "why didn't she leave", the "he couldn't possibly" and we can start to get real about ending violence. We can start to hold perpetrators accountable for their bad actions - even if we still think of them as good people. We can start to support survivors without minimizing their experience, their relationship with partner who was abusive, or their protective strategies while in the relationship.

*warning for language.

When women win, we all win

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 09:02:33 GMT

"But embedded in that question is a dangerous assumption: People tend to assume that the balance between the sexes is a zero-sum game, that when women win, men lose. But it's simply not true."

TEDWomen conference happened recently and the speakers look varied and wonderful. Apparently before the conference, there were questions about why TED needed to have a separate and specific conference around women and girls, instead of simply incorporating more materials about and for women and girls into their regular content. So Huffpo conducted an interview with Pat Mitchell, host of the event, and the obvious question came up: will there be a TEDMen? I think the answer above is beautiful and perfect. I want to write it up on my wall.

When I talk about gender with classes or in the context of violence that we know occurs mostly by men to women, I'm sometimes accused of vilifying men or victimizing women. Instead, I'm saying what we know, and hoping that we all can make changes necessary so that everyone can be safe, happy and productive in the world. As Pat says - it's not an either/or, it's a yes/and - yes there is a gendered dynamic to the violence that we work to end, and that means everyone has an interest in ending it.

Worth Complaining About

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 12:53:30 GMT

A South African study just out found that 1:3 men admitted to raping a woman. ONE OUT OF THREE. One might think that those statistics are from some place else, they don't apply here. Maybe that's true. Dr David Lisak found in his study of undetected rapists in college that only about 7% of the men he interviewed admitted to rape (he also found that the 4% who admitted to more than one instance of rape had an average of 6 victims each before they graduated college).

But the attitudes and beliefs that inform and create Rape Culture do in fact apply here.

So a South African ad agency decided to do an experiment. Unfortunately, the experiment created a beautiful ad. Watch the video to find out why I say that it "unfortunately" worked.

It is up to OUR COMMUNITIES to eliminate violence. It is your responsibility to not let sexist or violent attitudes and behaviors slide. You must say something. People's lives actually depend on it.

Website

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 11:39:00 GMT

Our new WISE website is 1 year (and 1 month) old! And we're constantly working on ways to make it better. Here's your chance to give us your feedback:

How often do you use the website?
How do you use the website? What are your favorite functions/information/pages?
What would you like to see/see more of? What additional functions or information would you use?

By responding in comments (or by email to Kate) you're helping us serve the Upper Valley into our 40th year!

My Baby Sister the Genius

Wed, 01 Dec 2010 10:06:00 GMT

My baby sister is a genius. She was ALWAYS reading, she was quiet and bright, she had glasses, she was (still is) stunningly smart.

Around the time she got to high school I would come home from college to visit and noticed something strange. Every time she had friends over she would use this strange giggle. She giggled at everything, her voice went up an octave, she said stupid, inane things. It was like she was trying to look dumb. And I thought why would such a smart girl want to seem dumb?

A few other things about my sister - she's blonde, thin, and beautiful. Apparently she found that those things got her further, popularity wise, than the highest percentile GPA she rocked.

And apparently, she's not the only one who's figured this out. Girl Scouts of America just put out a survey that found girls were purposefully making themselves seem dumb online. And this all makes sense - if we put out an expectation of how we expect girls to be, they will try to fill it. And girls (youth) have always been so super savvy at using social networking to design their online reputation/persona. So of course girls are framing themselves this way. Of course girls are posting the poses and outfits that make adults squirm at the sight of scantily clad pre-teens. I call it a case of the Gender Boxes. If we devalue women and girls for their brains and humor and ability, they'll frame themselves in the only way that this society gives women "power"* - through their sex appeal.

*I say "power" because I think we can all recognize this isn't real power, but an illusion.

Girls make themselves look stupid and mean online - Alltop

Thank You Notes from Students

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 11:40:56 GMT

I get thank you notes from some students that participate in my workshops. Most say "thanks", some are beautiful/touching and articulate about what they learned, some are hilarious. I think it's worth sharing the hilarious ones...

In today's episode of TYNfS:

"Add me on Facebook"

signed: "kid in the front, tall, kinda cute :)"

"Thank you so much" x13

"I love your scarfs"

"It was fun and thank you for letting me write on the board."

My job is fun!

Happy? Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 11:56:31 GMT

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. There was some consideration given to moving DVAM to another month because October is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month and how can (or should) one compete with the other?

I don't particularly like "awareness months". For a number of reasons among them I don't think that a month is all the attention that an issue should get; I don't think that awareness is enough; I think that behavior change for a culture doesn't stem from 31 days of catchy signs and gel pens with crisis numbers.

And for both Domestic Violence and Breast Cancer, I don't agree that these things are inevitable and so we need to be aware. I believe that these things are both caused by the environment that we currently live in, and I believe that these both are preventable by a culture change.

So I found this post and I wanted to share and agree - what if we spend this month (and far, far beyond) changing the way we live - starting with the "awareness" that it is going to take all of us to prevent the deaths due to domestic violence and breast cancer.

So what are your resolutions? How are you going to end violence and cancer?