WISE Words Blog

My name is Kate, I’m the Program Manager at WISE which is the organization tasked with ending domestic and sexual violence in the UV. I’ve worked on the prevention of violence against women for the entirety of my adult life, almost by accident. Which means that I believe fundamentally in two things:

The first is something that really challenges us. If DV/SV is something that people are choosing to do, then the people who are accused that we care about in our community are people who are choosing to perpetrate. That is sad and scary and hurtful. Sometimes disbelief is more comfortable. But it’s also paramount to my believing that I haven’t wasted my youth. DV/SV is preventable. It isn’t about testosterone, it isn’t about caveman brains – it isn’t men – it is all of us who are complicit in separating us and them. All of us who buy into some people being more valuable than others. Who expect men to be men and the definition of manhood that includes power, control and violence. DV/SV is preventable when men are recognized as human beings – not the titans of power, but people with emotions that are mentionable and manageable, with empathy, and personal accountability. DV/SV is preventable when women are recognized as human beings – not the sum of their naked and hairless body parts, but people in full autonomy of their physical and relational selves.

The second is something that people are curious about. Most people assume I’m a victim. Why else would I be so devoted to such a sad topic. My plan was to be a DJ on the radio – spend my working life at concerts and never again suffer through someone else’s crappy music. Instead every piece of my collegiate career kept nagging that something isn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that my mom worried when I walk home from work at night (trying to keep those student loans down). It wasn’t fair that when I was drugged (despite my drink being fully in my hand at all time, despite my multiple buddies) my dad chalked it up to my confusing drunk with drugged. It isn’t fair that I have to make those disclaimers. It isn’t fair that politicians are making laws about my life and body – specifically my vagina - without including anyone who has a vagina, or allowing the word vagina to be mentioned. It isn’t fair that 60% of women and families who are homeless are a result of DV, or that a byproduct of being a woman going to college is the expectation that eventually you’ll probably be raped. It isn’t fair that we would rather talk about anything – alcohol, hazing, bullying, cancer, hunger – other than the violence that is so intimately connected to every person’s life. It isn’t fair that so many people I care about are being violated but didn’t feel like they could tell anyone because they were afraid or ashamed. It isn’t fair that my male friends don’t feel like they can ask their partners what they want or like or need because vulnerability is a fate worse than death.

I do this work because people are suffering and if I can help, I have to. For me it boils down to injustice. You recognize that it is not fair that we have to march days after campus is shut down because highlighting this injustice still puts people at risk of physical harm. You believe that we can do better. And you are. You’re doing better. So thank you, and thanks for being here. 

So often we are reminded of what an amazing community we’re a part of. Hearing the many complicated stories of domestic/dating/sexual violence and stalking may seem like a completely depressing day job, but instead we get to see all of the beautiful, creative ways that individuals and families overcome and thrive. We get to work in a community with organizations that recognize the truth that each of us – whatever our strengths or interests – has a part to play to end violence, share hope, change lives. Organizations that provide material assistance to survivors, train their employees about prevention and empathetic responses to survivors, display materials…all of us can use our talents to support survivors.

RVC is stepping up in March by hosting a Spinathon to benefit WISE! You can sweat your way to a more peaceful Upper Valley, and here’s how:

• Register your team by 3/20
  
• Gather supporters to pledge to your race with this sign up
  
• Maybe take a few practice spins on the stationary bike
  
• Then on 3/23 we ride!
  

More information here on the brochure (including proper pacing, nutrition, and hydration!)

Between the over covered story of Notre Dame Football Player, Manti Te’o, various blog posts and opinions examining our current dating practices and the new MTV show Catfish that explores the intricacies of online relationships, it seems like everyone is talking about digital relationships! It adds so many possibilities to how we think about, define and engage in relationships, both intimate and not.

One of the most (personally) frustrating reactions to the Te’o story was people’s inability to imagine being in an exclusively online relationship. As if intimacy, companionship and love only exist within physical relationships. Isn’t it possible for us to feel incredibly close and deeply connected to someone whom we’ve never been physically intimate with or whom we’ve never met in person? On a recent episode of Catfish, Matt and Kim’s relationship demonstrates exactly that.  The two had been communicating with each other via (solely) technology for ten years. They spoke to each other either through text messaging, Facebook, emails or phone conversations almost every day. Kim explained that Matt was the person that provided her with the greatest comfort and support during the most difficult times in her life. They make each other laugh and have developed a strong and caring partnership which they both depend on. Now that she has a boyfriend whom she is living with and considering marrying, Kim is feeling conflicted about these two relationships. Can she love them both? Can she participate in a respectful, loving marriage with her boyfriend and continue the relationship she’s had with Matt for the past 10 years, or does she have to choose between the two?

I think we can, and should have many meaningful relationships with many people who collectively fulfill our complex and diverse needs of affection, solidarity and friendship. Culturally we have a pretty singular view of what the parameters of romantic and intimate relationships are supposed to look like, but as with all other assumed cultural expectations, one size does not fit all. We can’t just assume that everybody is going to find one (THE ONE) person capable of providing everything that they could ever want and need out of a confidante. It feels like an unfair expectation for everyone. Instead let’s expand on our ideas of intimate relationships and modify our relationship boundaries to meet OUR and our partner’s needs.

How do you define a partner? Is it someone that you talk to everyday? Live with? Have a sexual or physical relationship with? Can you have only one? It’s up to YOU to define what you want in a partner, or partners, to communicate those needs to the prospective partners that come in and out of your life, and respect those that are communicated to you.  You and your partner(s) are able to have ongoing conversations around the expectations of your relationships and don’t have to depend on rigid social norms that may or may not be appropriate for you. We can create a life for ourselves that is full of thoughtful, respectful and healthy relationships of all sorts.

If you want to continue the conversation around healthy relationships invite WISE to your organization, school or community group for a tailored presentation!

If you or someone you know is in an unsafe relationship and would like support you can contact WISE, 24 hours a day at 1/866.348.WISE. 

‘Facebook stalking’ has become a phrase that most of us use pretty often and with some familiarity. Maybe you’ve ‘Facebook stalked’ an old boyfriend or girlfriend or that friend you haven’t seen since high school. But what does the word, stalking, really mean? Am I really stalking someone by viewing a profile that I was invited to via friend request, a profile that displays information that the person is choosing to share with their collective group of Facebook friends? The answer is no. There is a big difference between viewing a friend’s Facebook profile and actual stalking behaviors, and aligning the two as having the same meaning is harmful for actual victims of stalking. Stalking is a very real, dangerous and often life threatening experience. Conflating actual stalking with this false idea of ‘Facebook stalking’ minimizes the terrifying existence of the 6.6 million Americans who are stalked annually. 

It’s not to say that Facebook and stalking have no relation to each other. As with most anything in this world, it has the potential and capability to be dangerously misused. A stalker may dishonestly use Facebook as a tool to gain access to their victim that they haven’t otherwise been admitted to. An abusive partner may use Facebook, and other various devices, to keep constant tabs on their victim.   But the impact of these experiences is incredibly different than that of which we so offhandedly refer to as, ‘Facebook stalking’. This might not seem like a big deal, but improperly and reductively using the term creates a mask for those who are actually stalking someone.

The only people at fault in stalking situations are the perpetrators, but there are a few technology practices that can help reduce people’s access to us. We can be cautious of who we accept into our internet social lives, do our best to have secure Facebook privacy settings and be informative about how to keep our exposed selves protected from the possible dangerous outcomes of technology use.

"Tosh starts making some very generalizing, declarative statements about rape jokes always being funny, how can a rape joke not be funny, rape is hilarious, etc...So I yelled out, 'Actually, rape jokes are never funny!' Tosh paused for a moment. Then, he says, 'Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her...'". 

"The debate over Tosh shouldn’t be “are 

rape jokes funny?” That’s misdirection: his statement was a wildly inappropriate putdown, reminder, and threat that this woman could be gang-raped, like right now." 

"Offended hasn't got anything to do with it.

People have wounds, and those wounds are painful. That doesn't have s*** to do with the weak concept of "taking offense." If someone talks about Texas being a s****y state, I might "take offense" at that. Fine, whatever. All of us who like comedy are generally in agreement with the idea that "taking offense" is lame, and a comedian should be willing to "offend" whenever he or she wants to.

But causing pain is quite a different matter. Your job as a comedian is to take us through pain, transcend pain, transform pain. And if you don't get that, you are a bully, and I've got zero time for bullies."

Three times a year WISE holds a Volunteer Training for all those interested in becoming a Volunteer Advocate at WISE. The training educates volunteers on domestic and sexual violence, abuse and stalking. Participants become comfortable practicing effective listening skills and offering support and access to pertinent resources in the community to those contacting WISE. The interactive training sessions include in depth conversations, use of videos, guest speakers and field trips to our local police station and hospital.  With the completion of the 30 hour training, advocates are prepared to effectively empower those calling our Crisis Line.  Perhaps the most meaningful aspect of Volunteer Training at WISE is how it creates a space where people feel free to question and explore the challenging and discomforting realities of our world.

The group dynamic during Volunteer Training is unique in personnel, perspectives and reasons for becoming a volunteer advocate, yet there is a strong underlying sense of understanding of and respect for one another. I have witnessed how with the exposure of distressing information, group members take it upon themselves to connect, build relationships and support one another.  As I see how a small diverse group can find common ground and concern for these important issues, I become hopeful that much larger groups can as well.  I am grateful to have the opportunity to work with WISE’s Volunteer Advocates as they are brave members of our community, willing to recognize the injustices that exist and further participate in their eradication.

March 13^th begins another six week Volunteer Training. I so look forward to meeting the new members joining our forever growing team. 

- Chelsea Williams, Training Coordinator

"in no state did fewer than 10% of women report being raped. Virginia had the lowest levels of victimization of women, at 11.4%; other states on the low end include Tennessee, Delaware, and Rhode Island."

"I just haven't believed it," says Pam Bensen of the accusations. "In fact this morning, I actually went online to donate again, just to show him that we were supporting him."

In 2003, less than one year after Paterno was told that Sandusky was raping children, he allowed a player accused of rape to suit up and play in a bowl game. Widespread criticism of this move was ignored. In 2006, Penn State's Orange Bowl opponent Florida State, sent home linebacker A.J. Nicholson, after accusations of sexual assault. Paterno’s response, in light of recent events, is jaw-dropping. He said, "There's so many people gravitating to these kids. He may not have even known what he was getting into, Nicholson

This molester had a job. A house. A wife. Two kids of his own. And he gained access to his victim not through brute force but through patience, play and gifts: help with his homework, computer games, a new bike. To neighborhood observers, including the victim’s parents, the molester’s attentiveness passed for kindness, at least for a while. A molester’s behavior very often does.

It’s not just one guy raping little boys. It’s a culture that values a game over basic bodily integrity and physical health; it’s a culture that values that game over education, even at an institution of higher learning. Of course, in the context of that culture, a child rapist is going to get a pass if he’s integral to the game. Of course people are going to cover for him, or look the other way, or make small changes so that they can feel better but don’t actually go to law enforcement, which might threaten the game.

WARNING: The survey contains lewd language. Discretion is advised.

Under a list of reasons for filing the "Hurt Feelings Report," the survey offers choices including "I am a pussy," "I have woman like hormones," "I am a queer" and 'I am a little bitch." It asks for the "name of 'Real Man' who hurt your sensitive little feelings," "name little sissy filing this report." and the filer's "girly-man signature."