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It's not like there are a million great guys out there...

20 Mar 2012 2:12 PM | Anonymous member (Administrator)

I posted this response (*some language at the link) to an advice column on our facebook page, but wanted to highlight this response from the comments. While there was so much in the "advice" that was harmful and ignorant, this sentiment is something that comes up often, and is a classic example of how the way we talk about relationships generally can radically affect a victim's perception of her options (or lack thereof).

Most men are not abusive! And we don't want to believe that some men we know might be. Those that are think that their actions are normal an acceptable because we - in advice columns! - excuse and justify their behaviors for them. This not only perpetuates the abuse in that relationship, it sets a disrespectfully low bar for those many many men who are thoughtful and caring and treat other human beings with kindness and compassion. We need to stop allowing abuse to look like a normal behavior. We need to stop the idea that a bad relationship is better than no relationship. And we need to think about how our "advice" sets the tone for so much more than we may have intended. Dani, below, says it perfectly.

Dani Alexis 3.9.2012 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

It’s not like there are a million really great men out there; it’s not like she can just go and pick one and be off to her perfect life.

I stayed with an abuser for seven years on the basis of such pearls of wisdom as this comment. Then I left him, and I learned that actually, yes, it is like that.

As in, it is like there are LITERALLY ONE MILLION men (or more) out there who will not threaten violence, freak out when you have your own friends and interests, or have a screaming match in front of your apartment building when you say “look, I need to try something else.” It is ABSOLUTELY LIKE this woman can find someone to date who will not send up even a single one of the red flags this LW is rolling in right now. Decent human beings really are A Real Thing in the World!

(Granted, not all of those people will be this woman’s cup of tea – but I’d bet my hat that at least ONE of the literally a million or more men who will treat this woman with basic human respect will also be someone she could see herself marrying, if that’s what she wants.)

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